


cinematic pleasures

by ascience



Category: Football RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: German National Team, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 01:46:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2529488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascience/pseuds/ascience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Porn of the German national team, Internet detectives and sports sex puns (but no actual porn). Mesut is caught somewhere in the middle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	cinematic pleasures

**Author's Note:**

  * For [apollothyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollothyme/gifts).



> This is a late birthday fic for Gi who is the literal best and I hope to god she likes it although it... escalated a little, word count-wise.
> 
> I'm on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/anexactscience).

It all starts with a video.  
Or well, it starts with Shkodran, indirectly at least since he’s the one who introduces the whole squad to the concept of regular mass mails. The first one is just a hello message, the second one is already a link to a cat video and it only goes downhill from there.  
Every time Mesut logs into his e-mail account, there are at least three new mails from someone on the team and a relevance that reaches negative numbers attached to all of them.

Mesut himself is guilty of having sent a couple of messages but usually just birthday wishes or photos he made of the team and never recipes or discussions of the finale of The Bachelor.

The video in question first makes its round in April or March, Mesut isn’t sure about it, it’s not like he marked the day in his calendar.  
The e-mail is sent by André because apparently he has time and courage enough to google his own name which is generally regarded as an act of true bravery in their circles.  
The subject is ‘see you next national training’ with a creepy winking smiley and the body of the mail is empty except for a youtube link.

The thing is, Mesut reads every single mail the other guys send around because he’s just that nice and he figures anything that’s on youtube can’t be too rowdy so he clicks the link and waits for the new tab to load.

The video is titled _Rule 34 German Football,_ whatever that means.

It’s only three minutes long, unlike _some_ other earlier ones – Mesut will never sit through forty minutes of _How Chicken McNuggets Are Made_ again, no matter how much he respects the person who sent the link (cough, Mario, cough).

So Mesut figures he can’t waste too much time on this particular clip, clicks play and watches while eating his cereal and having an eye on the news in a second window.

The video starts with a shaky close-up of a blonde guy’s face before panning out to show his full body.  
Blonde Guy is standing on a somewhat scabby pitch – typical third division, Mesut thinks – and is wearing the German NT goalkeeper kit.  
Oh, Mesut thinks, so it’s a skit. If he squints, Blonde Guy indeed resembles Manuel, even if it’s just for his hair cut and huge biceps.

“Heeey,” fake Manuel says in a husky voice, and the camera now shows a second man in a jersey on the pitch as well. “How do you feel about _scoring_ against the best goalkeeper in the world?”

The emphasis on ‘scoring’ clearly implies a sex pun, if a somewhat lame one, Mesut thinks.

Fake Manuel drags his hands down his chest across his tight jersey (tighter than the ones they actually wear) and hooks his thumbs into the waistband when he reaches his shorts.

The last two seconds show the other guy dropping to his knees and Mesut can see the 18 on his back, then the video ends.

Mesut closes the tab but five minutes later he’s still laughing because that’s the way porn starts, right, and – _oh_.

The people in the video are _relatively_ good actors compared to what Mesut has seen in porn before so maybe that’s why it takes him a couple of seconds to realise that this is indeed the beginning of an actual porn video.

Mesut opens the link again, rewatches the clip and suddenly it’s about ten times funnier because this is porn. Gay porn. About the German national team.

A trip into the comment sections and a translation of the term _Rule 34_ confirms his suspicions and now André’s subject of the mail even sort of makes sense because that’s just his sense of humor.

It’s almost midday now and Mesut had planned to go jogging fifteen minutes ago but this whole discovery is hilariously fascinating so he’s still sitting here in his pyjamas, trying to find more youtube videos about this football porn.

Mesut only finds one other video that seems to be from the same movie but he might have just as well punched himself in the head five times because that one video – it’s more than enough.

Not because it’s a lot more graphic than the first one but because it’s way more personal.  
Mesut watches the sequence twelve times, maybe more, and unconsciously leans forward so that he’s really close to the screen that shows a locker room as scenery.

It’s two guys again – gay porn after all – sitting next to each on the bench. The mysterious steam that fills the room dampens their white jerseys so much that they’re basically see through right to their excessive abs.

Guy One is taller and Mesut’s eyes catch on his muscles when he moves some strands of his long, dark hair behind his ear. He reminds Mesut of Sami in all the best and therefore simultaneously worst ways so Mesut is pretty sure that it’s indeed his porn version.

Guy Two is wearing the 8 and this is where it all turns bad, really bad.  
Porn Mesut doesn’t look much like real Mesut, more like a polished version of him or maybe just what Mesut would have looked like if he had been taken to a customization screen for his appearance before puberty.

Either way, the fact that he can only vaguely recognize himself in the video makes what happens next a nuance more bearable.

On screen, Porn Sami makes some kind of cheesy comment about ‘getting to third base’ which proves two things: On the one hand the research department in porn seems heavily under-staffed since they didn’t even care to find out what type of sport this is all about; on the other hand it shows just how much Mesut should invest in a psychotherapist because he genuinely doesn’t even care anymore, as soon as the porn versions of Sami and himself kiss.

It’s a bit like a car crash, you want to look away but you can’t and so on, except Mesut kind of doesn’t want to look away and is irrationally annoyed when the video ends there and he has to replay the whole thing.

He never goes jogging that day.

\--

For a while, the video André sent around is a running gag in the team and Basti even says that the others at Bayern know about it, too, and use it to tease Manuel.

The replies in the mass mails range from ‘go get it, Manu!’ over ‘Toni, Manuel, you want to tell us something?’ to ‘I need to find the rest of this porn and check what my role in it is!’

Almost instantly the great search for porn develops. The guys scour all corners of the Internet to try and find the specific movie since it’s the first time any of them starred in an actual motion picture that’s not a documentary but all they find is random other porn (which Thomas doesn’t hesitate to share).

After a month though, the general interest dies down due to a lack of actual results and only occasionally the video is mentioned again as a joke or when they try to employ a newbies like Karim to search for it again.

Mesut, however, doesn’t give up. He’s vaguely ashamed to say that he spends the better part of his free time googling all kinds of combinations of the words ‘football’ and ‘porn’ – unfortunately with little success.

He never tells anyone about the other video he found, the one of Sami and himself in porn because no way in hell would he admit that that’s the reason why he might be a tiny bit obsessed with finding the goddamn movie.

One day, after training with the national team Sami catches Mesut checking his phone for the forum post he made asking whether anyone knows the porn video.

Mesut can feel himself blushing and quickly locks and puts his phone away.

“What are you hiding?” Sami asks, smirking. “You look like I caught you looking at naughty pictures.”

It’s a joke but Mesut still has to stutter when he tries to deny it and can’t meet Sami’s eyes.

Sami shakes his head in disbelief. “Seriously? Like, wait, it was porn?”

Mesut finds out that if there’s anything more embarrassing than finding porn about yourself and your stupid crush, then it’s probably talking about it to your stupid crush.

“Not _porn_ porn,” Mesut says sheepishly, “the porn André sent around some time ago.”

Sami breaks out in laughter and throws his arm around Mesut’s shoulders.

Mesut can feel the warmth of Sami’s skin through his shirt like he could so many times before when they’ve awkwardly slept on each other in planes or trains but somehow there’s a new connotation to it all because the stupid video with them kissing always keeps replaying in Mesut’s head at the worst possible times.

“He sent that mail, what, two month ago? Even Thomas has given up on trying to find the movie and I don’t want to know at all what he would have done with it if he had. Are _you_ seriously still hung up on that stupid porn clip?”

“No, of course not.” Mesut answers quickly but it doesn’t seem to sound very convincing because Sami squints at him and tips his head to one side.

“You have watched porn before, right?” Sami asks and hurries to add, “Uh, I mean, not that it would be weird if you _haven’t_ , I just – I just wouldn’t have thought you’d be the person to, well, _not_ ever have watched porn.”

Mesut trips over the fact that Sami apparently has thought about whether Mesut is a porn kind of guy or not, but he tries not to think about it too hard.

“Of course, I’ve watched porn before,” Mesut says and hopes that that makes him cooler from Sami’s point of view. “But come on, it’s porn about _us_. Someone took the time to make gay porn about _us_. That’s what true fame is! You must be at least a little bit curious about what the movie is like and who’s getting it with whom.”

Sami stares into the distance for a moment before turning to Mesut again and looking at him with a weird, undecipherable expression on his face.

“Yeah, you’re right.” he says slowly. “I kind of see your point.”

Mesut feels hot all of a sudden and hurries to change the topic to something more innocent like – music, yeah, that works so he offers to share his earphones with Sami on the way back to the hotel.

Sami dozes off to the sweet sounds of Taylor Swift and Mesut replays the video with them kissing. The angle is weird because he tries to hide the screen under the hoodie in his lap but Mesut knows the clip by heart anyway and would probably be able to draw a facial composite if, by chance, the porn guys ever turned out to be serial killers.

When Mesut jerks off in the shower back in the hotel while Sami is watching tv in the adjacent room, he imagines the steamy locker room and instantly hates himself for it.

Not enough to not do it again, though.

\--

In the end, it’s a goddamn coincidence that makes Mesut find the porn movie.

He had already given up on ever watching it and resigned himself to a sad life of single-handedly giving a youtube video a million views and getting hot to blurry shots of porn stars that resemble his best friend and himself although he could have hours worth of HD porn at his disposal because let’s face it, he’s rich.

Mesut has tried to contact the user who uploaded the video, has found out that Internet detectives exist but they aren’t worth shit when you want to find a certain porn video and has had a rather awkward five minute conversation with Montana over the phone because as it turns out, she’s the one who found the original video in the first place, not André.

Long story short, he’s at his wit’s end when he accidentally clicks the link in one of those penis enlargement e-mails when he tries to delete it and his laptop immediately becomes a worldwide virus magnet.

Ad pop-ups after ad pop-ups layer themselves across his screen and the computer whirrs in protest as everything freezes when it’s not able to cope anymore.

When even _Ctrl+Alt+Del_ doesn’t help and the words LOCAL LUSTY LITHUANIAN LADIES LOOKING FOR LOVE doesn’t stop glaring from the top of the pop-up pile, Mesut considers calling Lukas for help but he is not really in the mood to explain how this all happened and isn’t entirely confident in Lukas’ computer skills anyways so he just waits for it to solve itself.

Mesut leaves to make tea in the kitchen and when he comes back, the laptop is alive again and he can slowly close pop-up after pop-up.

The second to last one says HARD SHOT in neon letters and Mesut almost calls the local trash collection to come and collect _him_ because he instantly recognizes the guy in the picture below the words.  
It’s Sami, or well, Porn Sami, as he lovingly used to call him in his head and Mesut has never been faster than when he clicks the link below that takes him the to the porn website.

A sign-up form shows up and yes, in retrospect, one or two fields in there probably _did_ ask for credit card information but who the hell asks about current interest rates when facing Eldorado?

Mesut confirms the registrations and starts downloading all megabytes of heaven.

\--

The porn movie – insightfully called _Big Balls – Nutmegging in Tight Spaces_ – is one hundred and sixteen minutes long which. Kind of sad because that’s longer than some regular movies Mesut has watched.

He skips the unimportant parts though because he definitely needs to see neither lookalikes of Benedikt and Mats banging in the shower _nor_ half-naked Mario tied to a goal post _nor_ a threesome involving Lukas, Basti and Manuel.  
Mesut does write down the time stamp of the part that shows André and Julian jerking each other off though and decides to send it to Montana if André ever pulls Mesut into a porn-induced existential crisis again.

The sequence Mesut is really interested in is about twenty minutes long which turns out is about fifteen minutes more than Mesut needs when he watches it for the first time.

Mesut hates himself for getting aroused watching Porn Sami suck Porn Mesut off in the locker room and he hates himself even more when he starts imagining their actual faces in the video.

He goes through two boxes of tissues in three days and discards all dignity he had left when the scenario starts showing up in his dreams, only with more ‘ _I love you_ ’s and less cuts to the next scene.

\--

Facing Sami at the next international break proves difficult.  
Every time Sami talks to him, Mesut can only imagine his lips _elsewhere_ and _otherwise_ engaged and if Mesut was sort of into Sami before all this shit happened, then he’s driving in full on infatuation mode now.

“Asghansmnfncjl” Sami says or at least that’s close to what Mesut hears through the haze of his daydream before he pulls himself together and blinks to focus.

“Sorry, what?”

Sami laughs and ruffles Mesut’s hair.  
“I hope you aren’t that rattled on the pitch!” he jokes and then, with a weird air of seriousness, “I asked whether you ever found that porn that you were so obsessed with.”

Mesut almost chokes and ducks away from under Sami’s hand.

“Uh, no,” he lies although he doesn’t even know why he doesn’t tell the truth because, hey, it’s not like it’s illegal or _weird_ to watch a team mate and yourself... _do stuff._

Sami almost looks... disappointed but it’s probably just Mesut’s imagination. Or the side-effects of excessive porn consumption. Same thing.

\--

Sami and Mesut share earphones, coffee cups, chairs and gossip about respective team mates at Madrid and Arsenal because that’s what they _always_ do but Mesut catches himself looking at Sami too often and manages a blush rate that’s probably not healthy for blood circulation anymore.

He also fervently hopes that cold showers don’t cost extra because otherwise he’s going to have a lot of explaining to do when Jogi comes to question them about the high hotel bills.

But the showers are the only thing that keeps him on a moderately acceptable level of arousal when he has to dress and undress in a locker room just like the porn one every day, barely a meter away from Sami. And yes, Mesut knows how pathetic that sounds. Welcome to his life.

Mesut turns the water so cold that his lips are almost blue when he steps out of the bathroom in just his shirt and boxers and into Sami’s and his comfortably heated room.

Sami’s sitting on Mesut’s bed and when he hears Mesut enter the room, his gaze drops from Mesut’s face lower to his stomach and then to the hand that’s lying on his hip.  
Mesut silently hopes he’s not imagining this.

“Uh,” Sami says hoarsely and waves something that Mesut recognizes as his own phone, “You kept getting messages and I tried to call for you in the shower but apparently you didn’t hear me and.”

Sami stops for a moment before he continues in a voice that’s both mocking and bewildered. “I looked at your phone and, dude. That’s _a lot_ of money to pay for gay porn. You know you can get that cheaper, right?”

 _Is that an offer?,_ Mesut almost says stubbornly before he fully realises what Sami just said and grabs his phone to look at the texts.

There are at least nine or ten, all reminding him to pay his weekly fee at gaypornworlds.tg. As if that by itself wasn’t embarrassing enough, the sum that’s stated there is well in the four digits.

“I can explain,” Mesut starts before realising that he, uh, sort of can’t.

“This is about Andrè’s porn, right? So you _did_ find it!”

Mesut hides his head in his hands and mumbles something that Sami can hopefully understand as a reluctant affirmation.

There’s no answer however and when Mesut looks up, Sami has got up from the bed and is now standing barely an arm’s length away from Mesut, fiddeling with the hem of his shirt.

“You found the other video on youtube, right?”, Sami asks carefully and Mesut’s heart starts beating faster.

He swallows dryly and nods.

“This is a shot in the dark," Sami continues, "but would I be completely wrong to assume that you enjoyed it? And enjoyed the rest of the movie?”  
Sami’s voice sounds deeper now and rougher and the vibrations go right into Mesut’s bones and he shivers.

Then Mesut shakes his head. No, Sami would not be completely wrong to assume that - any half-ass detective would in fact be good enough to figure out that Sami might actually be totally correct in any and all assumptions.

“Good.” Sami says, smiling, and ‘Good.’ Mesut thinks.

He’s not sure who makes the first step but the point is, they end up kissing, Mesut’s hand in Sami’s hair and Sami’s arm around Mesut’s waist, the entire concept of cold showers forgotten and deleted from Mesut’s reality.

It’s better than any kiss they could have had in a foggy, sweaty locker room and when Mesut draws his thumbs across Sami’s chest, the worn Batman shirt feels softer under his touch than the synthetic cloth of their jerseys would have.

It’s perfect and surpasses any porn fake by miles and miles and miles.

“Let’s get to third base,” Sami breathes, jokingly mirroring the words of his porn version.

“I don’t know anything about baseball.” Mesut deadpans.

“Uh, show me a touch-down then?” Sami grins and Mesut playfully punches him in the shoulder.

“Closer but wrong type of football.”

“Well, then... convert... my... penalty kick? God, I don’t know, just fucking kiss me again!”

And Mesut does.

\--

Mesut uploads the whole porn movie in all its glory to putlocker on the next day and sends a mass mail that contains nothing but an uncommented link there.

A week later, it’s been downloaded ninety-eight times but Mesut doesn’t have any trouble doing _that_ math.


End file.
